Official
Record
Record
Office of Not-so-Presidential Directives
Not-so-Presidential Records
Controlling the Weather
EXECUTIVE ORDER: THE CLOUD CURATION & ATMOSPHERIC DOMINANCE ACT
By the authority vested in me as The Greatness, it is hereby ordered as follows:
Section 1. Policy
The era of "unpredictable" weather is over. For centuries, humanity has allowed the sky to act with total impunity—raining on parades, ruining outdoor weddings, and providing humidity when nobody asked for it. It is the policy of this Administration that the sky shall henceforth be treated as managed airspace. We will no longer be victims of the "forecast"; we will be the ones holding the remote control.
Section 2. The Golden Standard of Sunshine
The Secretary of the Stratosphere is directed to implement the following meteorological regulations:
Weekend Optimization: Rainfall is strictly prohibited between the hours of 8:00 AM Saturday and 8:00 PM Sunday. Rain shall be rescheduled to Tuesday mornings between 2:00 AM and 4:00 AM to minimize social disruption.
The "Perfect 72" Mandate: All major metropolitan areas shall maintain a constant temperature of 72°F (22°C) with a light breeze of 5 mph. Any thermal deviation exceeding five degrees requires a federal permit.
Snow Management: Snow is permitted only on December 24th and 25th, and must be of the "fluffy, non-slushy" variety. By 6:00 AM on December 26th, all snow must sublimate instantly to avoid messy shoveling.
Section 3. Aesthetic Cloud Control
The sky is the nation's largest canvas, and currently, it is poorly curated.
Cloud Shapes: The "cumulus" variety shall be pruned to resemble recognizable shapes—specifically eagles, thumbs-up emojis, and the Administration’s logo.
Grey Skies: Overcast days are hereby banned. If a cloud cannot produce refreshing rain within 30 minutes, it must move along. No "loitering" in the upper atmosphere.
Section 4. Tactical Precipitation
We shall deploy the "Rain on Demand" system. If a citizen is having a particularly bad breakup, a localized, single-person rain cloud may be requested for dramatic effect. Conversely, anyone found complaining about the heat shall be granted a personal 5-foot radius of "Arctic Blast" until their attitude improves.
Section 5. Enforcement against Mother Nature
Nature is hereby served with a "Cease and Desist." Any hurricane, tornado, or localized derecho that enters our jurisdiction without a visa will be met with immediate atmospheric counter-measures, including, but not limited to, giant fans and high-powered space heaters.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
By the authority vested in me as The Greatness, it is hereby ordered as follows:
Section 1. Policy
The era of "unpredictable" weather is over. For centuries, humanity has allowed the sky to act with total impunity—raining on parades, ruining outdoor weddings, and providing humidity when nobody asked for it. It is the policy of this Administration that the sky shall henceforth be treated as managed airspace. We will no longer be victims of the "forecast"; we will be the ones holding the remote control.
Section 2. The Golden Standard of Sunshine
The Secretary of the Stratosphere is directed to implement the following meteorological regulations:
Weekend Optimization: Rainfall is strictly prohibited between the hours of 8:00 AM Saturday and 8:00 PM Sunday. Rain shall be rescheduled to Tuesday mornings between 2:00 AM and 4:00 AM to minimize social disruption.
The "Perfect 72" Mandate: All major metropolitan areas shall maintain a constant temperature of 72°F (22°C) with a light breeze of 5 mph. Any thermal deviation exceeding five degrees requires a federal permit.
Snow Management: Snow is permitted only on December 24th and 25th, and must be of the "fluffy, non-slushy" variety. By 6:00 AM on December 26th, all snow must sublimate instantly to avoid messy shoveling.
Section 3. Aesthetic Cloud Control
The sky is the nation's largest canvas, and currently, it is poorly curated.
Cloud Shapes: The "cumulus" variety shall be pruned to resemble recognizable shapes—specifically eagles, thumbs-up emojis, and the Administration’s logo.
Grey Skies: Overcast days are hereby banned. If a cloud cannot produce refreshing rain within 30 minutes, it must move along. No "loitering" in the upper atmosphere.
Section 4. Tactical Precipitation
We shall deploy the "Rain on Demand" system. If a citizen is having a particularly bad breakup, a localized, single-person rain cloud may be requested for dramatic effect. Conversely, anyone found complaining about the heat shall be granted a personal 5-foot radius of "Arctic Blast" until their attitude improves.
Section 5. Enforcement against Mother Nature
Nature is hereby served with a "Cease and Desist." Any hurricane, tornado, or localized derecho that enters our jurisdiction without a visa will be met with immediate atmospheric counter-measures, including, but not limited to, giant fans and high-powered space heaters.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Authorized Official
04/06/2026